Arghhhhh! I am so Disappointed in Myself!

So I haven't posted in months... I have been busy at work and slacking off in my personal life.  Last time I reported my weight on this blog I was at 164 lbs and was looking forward to getting into the 150s.  Well guess what happened!  I gained pretty much all thew weight I had lost.  I weighed myself Wednesday night.  I knew I had gained weight, I have been feeling horrible, I have been eating so much crap and not exercising, my clothes are getting tight again.  The number that the scale showed me was 185.8 freaking pounds!

I am so disappointed in myself that I could cry.  I had been doing so well and than I just let it slid around Easter.  I made excuses that I was busy at work and I just wanted to relax when I got home, I felt guilty for taking time out for me over family, etc.

I am not even sure where to start to get back on track but I need to do it.  I am so sick and tired of being fat and embarassed by the way I look.  I hate the way I feel.  I have a half marathon I need to train for in November.

I sat down on Tuesday and made up a 20-week training plan for my half marathon that started this week.  I went for my first run in over a month on Wednesday and honestly it felt horrible!  I know it is because I haven't run in a while but I still couldn't believe how hard it was to just run for 30 minutes (1 min walk breaks every 10 mins).  I keep telling myself it will get better, it will be easier.  My training plan consists of 3 days of running a week.  2 days are just 30 min runs and than 1 day is a long run that will increase in milage each week.  I know this is very doable I just need to stick to it.  I don't want to fail the half marathon in November.

I am trying to figure out what the best way for me lose weight is.  Should I try Weightwatchers again, count calories, go back to the Paleo diet, just cut out junk food, etc?  All of them seemed to work for awhile but one little hiccup and I seem to just go back to my old ways.  Logically I know 1 hiccup won't hurt me in the long run, that this needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet.  The thing is once I have that hiccup I start telling myself oh this 1 cookie won't hurt me, this handful of Jube Jubes won't hurt me, and it just leads to a downward spiral from there.

I keep on trying to remind myself of the big picture.  Feeling strong and healthy is the goal.  I also want to feel good about the way I look.  I avoid pictures like the plague and when someone does manage to take my picture I cringe when I see it.  I absolutely hate the way I look.